T Chal go to the ball

This actor does all his own stunts

I would love to be a fly on the wall for Lime’s next business review. Why? Because I’d like to witness a tech bro in a gilet and quarter zip explain the exponential growth in formal terms to a bunch of investors when their relevancy boom is quite frankly, outright ridiculous.

“Profits are up 2794% +due to i) high profile rents from public figures; ii) a 25.8% uplift in rentals. Subsequent media monitoring highlights brand mentions are up 212% MoM. Our hypothesis is due to higher celebrity relevancy scores. We first saw the high-impact sighting trend seed planted when Harry Styles and James Corden conducted an 11m ride Sep ‘23. The celebrity halo effect since then has shown a significance score of 0.86. As a result, we plan to replicate similar style campaigns with public figures in the high profile sector. Our hit list can be seen in Appendix D and include celebrities, Paul Mescal and Billie Eilish”.

If you don’t speak corporate, or haven’t been abreast of the news lately — I’m talking about Timothée Chalamet arriving to the premiere of ‘A Complete Unknown’ on a Lime at London’s South Bank. It’s slightly deranged, a tad unhinged, but nonetheless iconic.*

*A trifecta it appears is the holy trinity of going viral these days. See: Charli XCX if you don’t believe me.

Part of me thinks this anti-press tour for a complete unknown is genius. Turning up to your own doppelgänger contest? Inspired. Unexpected appearance as US sports pundit? Quite fun. Going on Graham Norton and openly admitting you don’t know anything about your fellow guest star’s show (it was Gavin & Stacey — shame on you Timmy tbh). Corden, smiled back: “Timothée, if I was wearing that, I’d look like I was going through a breakdown. People would say to me: ‘Are you OK?’” And, I have to agree.

But somehow, our Timmy pulls all this off, and more. Yes, we get it T Chal — you’re cool and aloof. Fundamentally you’re incredibly famous so anything goes. Why is that? Why do we let high-profile people get away with such preposterous things? Can you imagine an actual unknown arriving on a Lime? But, come on people? This e-bike activity is too far. Is this supposed to give him an ‘everyman’ spin? Are we really that gullible? This actor clearly does his own (PR) stunts.

A few questions:

• Where is his helmet?

• His bespoke suit (Martine) features little to no creasing in the crotch, not a smattering of greasy TFL puddle backsplash in sight on those trousers either.

• Did he pack hand sanitiser in his pocket or have to wash his hands on arrival?

• Did he pick the bike up himself? Or was it a poor, quivering publicity intern who was tasked with going to unlock and collect the bike for him, panicking about the instructions. “Make sure it works okay, we don’t want a law suit on our hands— but we do want it to look really, edgy and grungy,’” says the senior millennial director. “We need this to look authentic. Oh, and make sure you take the litter out the basket before you give it to him.”

• Plus, everybody knows you cannot actually ride a Lime bike DOWN the Southbank? As someone who has missed many on time arrivals to coffee dates at the BFI due to their poor placement of parking bays, I know that nobody is actually arriving anywhere on a Lime, especially not a premiere. You’re arriving nearby, then wasting 7 minutes of your life trying going round in circles trying to find the allowed parking slot.

• Did the intern fail? And find one that vehicle that fitted the brief but then realised the seat wouldn’t move? Why was he stooped SO low? He’s cycling like an oversized child who refuses to stop riding their first tricycle. What’s that I hear? Oh it’s the resounding approach of the ick. No matter how absolutely masterfully talented he is as an actor, count me out.

Nonchalance has become a desired state in today’s media. I predict the future will see it as cooler to be totally offline, but we’re all too addicted for that just yet. Chalamet’s green carriage of germs was granted so he could go to his ball. But what’s that? He assumes his carriage poofs at midnight? There no parking fee because he’s playing Bob Dylan? Now, he’s outspoken about the fees he’s been charged for leaving it in the middle of the pavement, then later claiming he expected better because: “it was an advert for them.” In trying to be act like a complete unknown, poor Timmy has proven himself to be ungrounded. Official or unofficial brand sponsorship, we’ll never know — all it tells me if that the world (particularly T Chal) have all gone a bit mad.

Why am I even choosing to write about this? Is it because it’s more fun to do a ‘hot take’ on something? In doing so, I too become part of this anti-press campaign. Why is this getting so much air time when LA is on fire? We just reached ceasefire in Gaza but war-torn crises persists worldwide. Is it because it’s easier to engage with a famous celebrity arriving on a red carpet on two wheels than dealing with the impending end of the planet?

We are addicted to the art of opposition. Controlling our self image through social media has given rise to a strange marque of “off brand” marketing. Left leaning opinions have given rise to far right politics. The ‘future is female’ has generated colossal misogynists in huge positions of power. The body positivity movement has somehow resulted in record sales of Ozempic? How do we make it all stop?

Idiocy through idolisation leads to long-term evil. It will continue to hide plain sight unless we change our obsessive digital ways. Anyway, I’m late for my gym class at the South Bank. Better check if there’s a Lime nearby I can jump on to get there on time…