Somehow I missed the open call, so here's my 2-pennyworth (in no particular order)
* Mulled wine. YEAH, I SAID IT. For the first week of December that warm spicy smell is almost inviting but after a week or so it's too much. It's everywhere. Every sodding bar has it stewing away in a tepid cauldron. It spills. It drips. It dribbles. Every surface gets sticky from it. It's made from crappy red wine. I suspect the flavours are added from a sachet or syrup. After two sips your mouth and teeth are coated with a sticky red residue. And... IT'S WARM. Wine should not be the temperature of 10-minute old cup of tea!!
* "I'm just going to share my screen" I don't blame people. Video conference software is designed terribly. It distresses me that after all my years of reading and education, I can't think of a more original and inspirational way of checking if people are looking at a blank screen. And there is nothing more pitiful than saying these seven words as they disappear into the ether. A bit of me dies every time I say it and I can't stop myself.
* Brandy butter. GET. IN. THE. BIN.
* People who spell my name Mich-EA-l. Michaella, you know what I mean, right? These people are almost as bad as the ones who one "L" you!
* Faffing around with the bill when you are out for dinner with more than 5 people. I admit this doesn't happen often to me now, because I actively avoid big dinners, but you know the score. There's that one who slinks out early because they have a thing in the morning but they've left £25 on the table. Then there's this one who only ordered a few starters. Down the end there's another one who has decided they are on a detox so they will only pay for what they had plus they only drank tap water so it's not really fair I have to pay for other people's alcohol actually. There's that really annoying one who seems to thinks they are in South Beach and has been ordering bottles all night, massively skewing the bill (to the detriment of detoxer). And then there's everyone else who chips in their £40 leaving the table staff to come back 10 minutes later saying they are still £38.75 short not including service. By this point the lights are up, the chairs are already upturned on the tables as the cleaners are in mopping the floor and I as a grown adult am arguing with 6 other people about whether I'm supposed to be chipping in an extra £6.50 or £6.25 while in the back of my head I'm realising I still a bit hungry because Mr. South Beach got my share of the chicken goujons.
That's better. I feel about 2 pounds lighter now. Same time next year?
Firstly, I am very sorry that the notes algorithm didn't serve you the call out sooner because Man! I wish you'd liked this post and these could have been included!! But beyond delighted to read them now. They are brilliant.
I've never thought about Mulled Wine being so horrendous but now you mention it.... it's always overpowering some low-budget place and sticking to your fresh white trainers. I think they add the faux cinnamon must help to seep out additional regrets from the Christmas shin-dig the next day. Yes to Brandy Butter being rubbish and yes to the divisive bill.
No Not all of them…..most are very professional, extremely considerate & exceptionally skilled (just how do they reverse those huge trailers into spaces with only a few centimetres to spare?) BUT… Attempting to overtake each other on a busy dual carriageway with a closing speed of 1-2 miles per hour! Which means the whole manouovre would take about 4-5 miles to complete. Meanwhile there is then a line of cars behind them that is at least 10 miles long all doing 55 mph. One presumes these drivers are also regulars on these routes & also know the roads “like the back of their hands”? ….. So why? oh why? oh why? do they instigate their 5 mile manoeuvres, 4 miles before an upcoming hill which means they will have to abandon said manouvere?….because they HGV (Haven’t Got Velocity)!
My bah humbug , is that at this time of year , everyone wants to invite you round for Christmas drinks , Christmas nibbles , a Christmas supper etc etc , when your calendar is already fit to burst . What about inviting me round in February or March when I have nothing in my calendar and would love a wee drinks party or dinner party
I like the very calm outrage here. Your polite outrage made me smile. I don't mind the calories (!) but loudspeaker on the phone and badly made cups of tea - my god.
The “Zombies” must be most hated - walking slowly, stopping in the middle of the pavement, (worse) stopping as they get off the escalator, standing on the left (escalator again), walking in multiples taking up the whole pavement (this isn’t the Sound of Music!!). Everybody who lives in London is in a hurry.
“Speakerphone conversations” - huge yes to that! Put the f*cking thing to your ear like a normal person! Nobody wants to hear your conversation.
This one I’ve actually sniped at people about. On your phone while ordering coffee / packing your shopping / anything where you KNOW you’re going to interact with a human doing their job!!! It’s so rude!
Based off that one - being rude or impatient with people when ordering your half-caf, blonde roast, extra-hot, dry cappuccino with sugar-free caramel (2 pumps). Do not speak rudely to them or I will tell you what a pr*ck you are. If you are in a hurry (we all are…) don’t pop in to order a Starbucks! Especially don’t turn to me to back you up! I’m not the one. Cannot stand people being rude to those working in public-facing jobs. I will unleash the big swears!
That one person at a table who talks really loudly while the rest are whispering - you can hear them, they can hear you without you projecting to the cheap seats. And they always have the loudest laughs.
People who let their kids run riot and ignore it. Watch me trip your little shit if they stampede past me bashing my chair again.
People who don’t say hello to my dog. What kind of sociopath are you?
Calories on menus is vile - I hate it. Gail’s have that “people should eat on average 2000 cals a day” on their signs above pastries with 1726 cals! I’m buying that almond croissant because life is sucking me dry today, don’t make it worse!
It feels so good to get it out, doesn't it? The Christmas confessional united mildly cynical people from all corners of Substack 🎄
Somehow I missed the open call, so here's my 2-pennyworth (in no particular order)
* Mulled wine. YEAH, I SAID IT. For the first week of December that warm spicy smell is almost inviting but after a week or so it's too much. It's everywhere. Every sodding bar has it stewing away in a tepid cauldron. It spills. It drips. It dribbles. Every surface gets sticky from it. It's made from crappy red wine. I suspect the flavours are added from a sachet or syrup. After two sips your mouth and teeth are coated with a sticky red residue. And... IT'S WARM. Wine should not be the temperature of 10-minute old cup of tea!!
* "I'm just going to share my screen" I don't blame people. Video conference software is designed terribly. It distresses me that after all my years of reading and education, I can't think of a more original and inspirational way of checking if people are looking at a blank screen. And there is nothing more pitiful than saying these seven words as they disappear into the ether. A bit of me dies every time I say it and I can't stop myself.
* Brandy butter. GET. IN. THE. BIN.
* People who spell my name Mich-EA-l. Michaella, you know what I mean, right? These people are almost as bad as the ones who one "L" you!
* Faffing around with the bill when you are out for dinner with more than 5 people. I admit this doesn't happen often to me now, because I actively avoid big dinners, but you know the score. There's that one who slinks out early because they have a thing in the morning but they've left £25 on the table. Then there's this one who only ordered a few starters. Down the end there's another one who has decided they are on a detox so they will only pay for what they had plus they only drank tap water so it's not really fair I have to pay for other people's alcohol actually. There's that really annoying one who seems to thinks they are in South Beach and has been ordering bottles all night, massively skewing the bill (to the detriment of detoxer). And then there's everyone else who chips in their £40 leaving the table staff to come back 10 minutes later saying they are still £38.75 short not including service. By this point the lights are up, the chairs are already upturned on the tables as the cleaners are in mopping the floor and I as a grown adult am arguing with 6 other people about whether I'm supposed to be chipping in an extra £6.50 or £6.25 while in the back of my head I'm realising I still a bit hungry because Mr. South Beach got my share of the chicken goujons.
That's better. I feel about 2 pounds lighter now. Same time next year?
😂😂😂
MICHAEL, (not micheal)...HARD RELATE TO THAT ONE.
Firstly, I am very sorry that the notes algorithm didn't serve you the call out sooner because Man! I wish you'd liked this post and these could have been included!! But beyond delighted to read them now. They are brilliant.
I've never thought about Mulled Wine being so horrendous but now you mention it.... it's always overpowering some low-budget place and sticking to your fresh white trainers. I think they add the faux cinnamon must help to seep out additional regrets from the Christmas shin-dig the next day. Yes to Brandy Butter being rubbish and yes to the divisive bill.
Heavy Goods Vehicle (HGV)
Drivers
No Not all of them…..most are very professional, extremely considerate & exceptionally skilled (just how do they reverse those huge trailers into spaces with only a few centimetres to spare?) BUT… Attempting to overtake each other on a busy dual carriageway with a closing speed of 1-2 miles per hour! Which means the whole manouovre would take about 4-5 miles to complete. Meanwhile there is then a line of cars behind them that is at least 10 miles long all doing 55 mph. One presumes these drivers are also regulars on these routes & also know the roads “like the back of their hands”? ….. So why? oh why? oh why? do they instigate their 5 mile manoeuvres, 4 miles before an upcoming hill which means they will have to abandon said manouvere?….because they HGV (Haven’t Got Velocity)!
My bah humbug , is that at this time of year , everyone wants to invite you round for Christmas drinks , Christmas nibbles , a Christmas supper etc etc , when your calendar is already fit to burst . What about inviting me round in February or March when I have nothing in my calendar and would love a wee drinks party or dinner party
I like the very calm outrage here. Your polite outrage made me smile. I don't mind the calories (!) but loudspeaker on the phone and badly made cups of tea - my god.
Badly made cups of tea is so very British. I do realise being in a family that is also Bengali and Mauritian how ironic this is.
I clearly need a Valium and a lie down…
So many you included!
The “Zombies” must be most hated - walking slowly, stopping in the middle of the pavement, (worse) stopping as they get off the escalator, standing on the left (escalator again), walking in multiples taking up the whole pavement (this isn’t the Sound of Music!!). Everybody who lives in London is in a hurry.
“Speakerphone conversations” - huge yes to that! Put the f*cking thing to your ear like a normal person! Nobody wants to hear your conversation.
This one I’ve actually sniped at people about. On your phone while ordering coffee / packing your shopping / anything where you KNOW you’re going to interact with a human doing their job!!! It’s so rude!
Based off that one - being rude or impatient with people when ordering your half-caf, blonde roast, extra-hot, dry cappuccino with sugar-free caramel (2 pumps). Do not speak rudely to them or I will tell you what a pr*ck you are. If you are in a hurry (we all are…) don’t pop in to order a Starbucks! Especially don’t turn to me to back you up! I’m not the one. Cannot stand people being rude to those working in public-facing jobs. I will unleash the big swears!
That one person at a table who talks really loudly while the rest are whispering - you can hear them, they can hear you without you projecting to the cheap seats. And they always have the loudest laughs.
People who let their kids run riot and ignore it. Watch me trip your little shit if they stampede past me bashing my chair again.
People who don’t say hello to my dog. What kind of sociopath are you?
Calories on menus is vile - I hate it. Gail’s have that “people should eat on average 2000 cals a day” on their signs above pastries with 1726 cals! I’m buying that almond croissant because life is sucking me dry today, don’t make it worse!
*breeeeeathe*